In this sorry excuse that was my life, I have been thru so much and yet, I am only 26 years old. I had taken a boy as my husband and he proceeded to help create five beautiful children while still staying one himself. Even though most of you think you knew what was going on, not many really knew the whole story.  Most of the loyal ones that stayed with me throughout everything have caught a glimpse of what it was that he did and chose not to say anything. For those who did, I will always love you. For those who didn’t, I don’t even fathom putting blame on you in any form or fashion, so don’t even assume that I dislike you in anyway. I still love you all.  You will forever be my family.

It all started out when I met him. I was in high school and participating in both band and choir. He was in choir. I remember wanting to go to the choir hall more so to get out of my last period. That and the fact that there was a substitute in the choir hall made it even better. So I’m hanging out in the choir hall and I see him. The few times that I saw him, I thought he was cute.

*Looking back now, I find that the more blinded you are by the looks, you rarely see who they really are.*

 But I digress. I saw him there on the risers and walked in. I was a grade ahead of him and proud of it. So I went up to him and we started talking. I don’t remember what about, but then the talk move us to what I call a mini hall that would head into the band hall next door. That door was forever locked and no one ever went thru there.  It was maybe 7 feet long and about 4 feet wide. Barely enough space for you to stretch out your feet when your back was to the wall. So there we continued talking when for some time when, for an unknown reason, I asked  if I could kiss him. Needless to say we started kissing. Not my first kiss(that is a story in itself), but I was very excited. I got to kiss this cute boy that I was crushing on!  From then on we were inseperable. Literally. He walked me to class and was late to his in the process. We ate together and eventually we started drifting away from those whom I considered my friends.  Those ones who were with me elementary and junior high, I left for him.

*Thinking back on it now, I would have done so differently. I would have realized that  my friends, that have known me for all those years, were getting pushed aside for a guy, I would have slapped myself silly.*

So where was I?  Lets see…. Ah yes. Then my senior year came around. This happened right after the Christmas break.  He was more in control of who I talked to and where I went. Throughout all this time, we went through the norm, in my point of view. I was hurting myself and he was doing the same to me and I thought that was our version of love. And for a time it was. Until he told me something one day. He told me about how all of my friends hated him for some unknown reason and if I wanted to find out who my real ones were, I would do what he said.

The deal was that I completely stop talking to the friends that I’ve know for all these years. In return, if they understood without a doubt as to why or for whom I was doing this for, they would still be my friends. So there I went, ignoring all those to whom I called my friend. Many were baffled and left me alone, but most of those who really knew me, found ways around it. I loved them for it.  They were always sending me notes seeing as I couldn’t ‘talk’.   Those days, I was just trying to get things together. With him, it never could be what I wanted.  He always wanted to know where I was. He only wanted me going out with him or not at all. That semester passed by so fast. I barely remember it.  Thinking back on it, being with him, made me forget a lot of things. 

So then there I was. All decked out in my Graduation dressing gown. I was waiting for him to show up like he said. But he never did. So I did what I thought would be best. Since he wasn’t there to push anyone away, I had my fun hugging and kissing everyone I knew and apologizing for the way things had been earlier in the semester.  I tried explaining a similar story of what he made me do. Telling them that it was MY idea to see who were my real friends or who wasn’t. Some believed it, and some didn’t.  The best part of it--they forgave me. To hear them tell me that it was OK, made me feel good. So in the back of my head, I had this nagging feeling that something was off because I was talking to everyone like nothing had happened. I put it aside and decided to just be happy that for one moment everything was back to normal.  But I was wrong in assuming that everything was fine.  When I got home, it was late.  I was with my family the rest of the night. Then he gives my door a knock and tells me that I have to ‘talk’ with him about what happened that night.  Apparently, he ‘knew all’ about me talking to my friends and everything and he was so mad at me because I had broken my word. Naturally, I started to deny it, only to realize that if he wasn’t there, how did he know about it?  According to him, he could ‘sense’ things and in essence, knew about the whole night. So right off, I’m totally freaking out because I think he’s psychic or some other bullsh**. But from my point of view, I totally believed him. I just believed everything that came out of his mouth!

*I can now admit my gullibility when it came to him.*

So after this huge argument over me talking to my friends, I told him that I was going to break up with him and then it dawned on him. He didn’t want to lose his puppet and he then decided to play nice by kissing my ass. In a manner of speaking, he did. He apologized for getting mad and overreacting about the whole situation and about how he didn’t want to lose me.  Blah, blah, blah….. Needless to say, he played nice. For a while.

Summer passed oh so quickly because I don’t remember much of it.  The next thing that I remember was when it was time to register for college. (then it comes flooding back)  He was forever arguing about the classes that I was going to take. About me STILL not talking to people. More so the guys. Like NO GUYS. Period. Couldn’t talk to them. Couldn’t look at them. Couldn’t ‘fantasize’ about them. That one always made me laugh. He was always full of paranoia, that I got so frustrated over it.  He was there the day I was getting set up with my classes. While I was waiting in that huge line that could go on into the Mexico border, he was telling the ‘rules’ over and over and over again. 

It was then after all that planning and about a month into college, that I get the news that was going to forever change the course of my life.  



         I was pregnant.